You need to avoid editorial writing when writing treatments and instead speak in an active and present voice. Similarly, you should avoid using words and phrases like
"Next we see" - Don't start sentences with "we see". Tell the audience what they see without introducing your sentence with "we see".
Instead say:
"Mr. Bugz B and Mrs DJ Spinna stand toe to toe in front of their microphones. Mr. Bugz rhymes and misogynistic rhyme stating "we don't want no ugly girls in here tonight" to which Mrs DJ Spinna retaliates with a rhyme mocking Mr. Bugs unusually large ears. The crowd goes wild. Mr Bugz continues, but with less steam. The insult has touched on a vulnerable part of his identity."
(Source: Lights Film School link here.
SAMPLE FILM TREATMENT courtesy of Movie Outline HERE
Notice that the first time that a character is introduced, their name is in CAPITALS.
Film Title: Lilly
It's 2006. The political climate in China is very unstable. When ANNA, the young pregnant wife of an outspoken journalist is left widowed after a vicious assassination, friends whisk her out of the country to sympathetic expatriates in Queens, New York.In Queens she's given a grim room in the local syndicate head quarters. Anna is lethargic, lost in pain. JON VAN, the charming head of the syndicate comes to see how she's doing, and expresses romantic interest in her. Anna's lack of enthusiasm angers him, but he writes it off to her recent experiences.
Lost in shock and grief, Anna, is placed with JUNE, another widow, who has adjusted to the new life. They share a run-down apartment in a maze of tenement buildings, serviced by a few small markets in a bad part of town. June runs the local daycare center for the working mothers in this closed Vietnamese community.
Anna, now seven months pregnant, is speechless and depressed until early labor forces a bone-chilling howl of pain from her parched lips. The baby is born, Lily, a perfect little girl, but Anna is too deeply distressed to bond.
It's June who holds the tiny girl, and cuddles her.
As the weeks pass, Anna slowly recovers. She starts to ask questions about the new world she's entered. Anna sees the mothers drop off and pick up their children, tension and fear in their faces.When Anna asks why there is so much stress, June explains that everyone owes the syndicate, the local arm of the people who helped Anna escape...
